our zombies of the apocalypse

We’re here in New Jersey in the middle (or more likely just the beginning) of the COVID-19 outbreak.  There’s still no toilet paper in stores and we’re hoarding our last rolls like we are in a Soviet prison circa 1949.  Our own kids are all home from school but we aren’t freaking out, just yet.  I have been quietly observing the onslaught of social media panic that’s been running rampant with parents on what to do with their kids being home, and how to guide their educational online instruction.  Some of it’s been good–former and current teachers giving pointers, groups and companies who provide enrichment to kids offering free online opportunities for art projects, virtual zoo tours, and setting up gchats so kids can communicate with their friends.  Moms want to help each other and feel less alone in all this, and I find that’s great and the real purpose of social media.  And I get that a scary time begets fearful reactions and a need to control the uncontrollable, to show that we “have this,” no matter what a big bad virus does.   I guess my issue is that the purpose of helping one another can sometimes morph into a display of “look at me and admire and approve me” which is the underlying downside of social media of course.  There’s a bit of overcompensating happening, a result of a combined freak-out and need to appear totally in control.  Are we in control here at Little Sliver Productions?  No! This is a zany time, with heaps, loads and tons of uncertainty.  Our house is small and our human and animal count very high.  So we are in no place to direct you on how to structure your day.  But, with that being said and all that in mind, I still wanted to let you all know our own COVID-19 Homeschooling Schedule.  Feel free to admire and approve and even adopt it into your own survival strategies (but be sure to give me 100% credit).

7:30am: Wakey Wakey! Get kids up by spraying them down with a hose of ice cold water mixed with dilute hydrochloric acid (I say dilute because our intent is not to chemically burn, just slightly sting them to get them to rise and greet the day).

7:30am-8am: Kids get dressed in whatever clothes are in a nearby laundry basket, the contents of which could go 50/50 as far as being clean or dirty.  Either way, this basket with these clothes have definitely been in this location for approximately 2 and 1/2 weeks now.

8am-830am: Breakfast is served/Let’s Explore Nature!!! Have kids forage for food outside.  Make it into a fun learning game! Let’s play “Is This Mushroom Toxic or Not?”  Only one way to find out!!  The learning must never, ever stop.

8:30am (for those kids who are still alive after breakfast): Turn on chromebooks, do lessons.  Ask their online teachers for help because god knows we have no idea how to do New Math.  Google has a classroom somewhere and only they know where to find this virtual room and navigate it.  We are basically superfluous.  In fact, at this point, given that we have been home with the kids for more than a few days and they don’t really need us, we will decide to take our own lives, possibly eating the mushrooms that were determined to be toxic or by hitting ourselves over the heads with spare chromebooks.  We are not so lucky to die, however, and are merely unconscious for a few hours.

11:30am: Kids to take break for lunch.  They will slather themselves in peanut butter and lick it off themselves while dancing on what they think are our dead bodies.

12:30pm: RECESS!!! Unfortunately, we will still be passed out, and without adult supervision, the kids won’t know what to do or “how to play” without our guidance, so they will simply sit and stare at the wall for one hour.  It turns out we were good for something after all.  

1:30pm: Schoolwork resumes!! Kids continue working online, or actually, because they already finished the work assigned hours ago, will start googling things like “how to order donuts,” “what is a puberty?” and “what to do if your parents suddenly pass away?”  Fortunately, this won’t last long, owing to their collective short attention spans.

3:00pm: Craft time! Using our bodies, Holden will lead a lifelike “Let’s Alter Barbie and Ken” project, utilizing scissors, lots of paint and tons of pent up rage.  The results will horrify and astound (mostly us, as we are revived in this process and looking at each other wish more than ever that we had actually died).

tell me this owl we made from leaves is pretty, tell me! On a unrelated note, I’m definitely not going crazy

5:30pm: Dinner is served!!  These days, it’s nice to give kids choices to make them feel like they are exerting some control, really giving them a sense of self.  Since the stores are devoid of most normal food and we are left with weird items in our pantry and fridge, they can choose from such delights as: canned tuna and cocktail sauce, bagels and mayonnaise, or hearts of palm and peanut butter.  The question “what’s for dessert?” will be met by us with peels of laughter as we collapse on the ground, unable to reply due to its ridiculous hilarity.

6:3opm: Puzzle Mania.  Kids will be forced to complete a 100,000 piece puzzle without any picture to guide them (that’s cheating) and will have no idea they are putting together a giant electron microscope image of the covid-19 virus! The looks on their little faces will be priceless.  

7:30pm: Play a family game by the fire!  The game is called Go To Sleep I Don’t Care If You Take a Bath or Not and the fire is a grease inferno made by Sloane in the kitchen because she decided to fry bacon unsupervised.

9:30pm:  Bedtime for Sleepy Heads.  After the fire department has left, everyone winds down and gets to bed after being told to do so for the 68th time.  We take that as a sign that we gave them a great day and they just don’t want it to end.  

At the end of the metaphorical day, and all kidding aside, give yourself a break.  Our kids will be ok, they just need us to tell them that and to give hugs and share laughs.  Don’t worry about what other people think.  Do what you can.

Stay well and stay tuned for my Quarantine Hair Tutorial below!

1. Wash or do not wash your hair, it just doesn’t matter anymore.
2. Pick up one of her kids’ hair ties off the ground where they like to keep them. Shake off the dog hair and Covid19 that’s on it.
3. Scoop up your hair in the front.  Don’t, I repeat, DON’T use a hairbrush. 
4. Secure you hair in a messy bun that is neither sexy nor cute.  Think Minnie Mouse on meth.
5. Smooth away any fly-aways downwith the nearby slime your kids are making in your grandmother’s fine china dish. 

Voila and you’re welcome